Literally just want a shag, why else would I have tinder and my first picture be me in a bikini. At first when people found out they called me a freak, now they just call me, all the time. Carefully written, fact-checked essay in the streets, unmoderated comments section in the sheets. Clever pick up lines are the way to go.
You see, when I was developing my Tinder game I used to scour the web for content to use. One of the best resources I came across was the Tinder thread on a fitness forum — this was a huge page thread with thousands of posts!
I read as many pages as I could after work, long into the night, and finally finished reading the thread after one whole week. Hope you like sarcasm and being insulted.
You can use me to get to my mom. What are you waiting for? NYC editor who gets drunk and takes pictures a lot.
Not exactly a special snowflake. I like laughing, dogs, lots of food, beer, outdoor activities, and adventures. My fairy tale prince is somebody who is tall, nice, and is willing to be roofied and anally penetrated by the second date. I can be a handful, topped with sarcasm and sprinkles of bullshit.
Our relationship should be like Nintendo 64—classic, fun to spend hours with, and every issue easily fixed by blowing on it then shoving it back in. If you are looking for a relationship.
But what I do have is a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long sexual career. Skills that make me a dream for people like you. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you.
I can nail an arrow in the back of your skull at over yards. I can cook like Martha and swallow like Kim K. To be a stud you have to be witty, charming, be well-dressed, have nice shoes, and a fake job. To be a slut you just have to be there. There are fat ugly sluts out there, there are not fat ugly studs. Puppy enthusiast and frozen yogurt connoisseur. Looking for a guy who will pick me over beer. Just be John Cusack outside my window with a boombox.
Gag reflex as absent as my father figure.
Kinda girl you would take home to your mom but would blow you on the way there. We exchange snapchat names. After a few weeks we decide to meet. We go on a date and it goes really well.
After going out for four years you decide to propose. Mainly because you love me but also because I believe in no sex before marriage and curiosity is killing you. Mirror selfies, rig shots and roid monkeys need not apply. I look like a kid, if you are into that kinda thing.
You must celebrate festivus to get the restofthis. Pictures with random, unspecified women.